Engagement epidemic spreads through campus

By Emily Weaver
Web Editor

Symptoms of the engagement epidemic include sudden onset fever, sweaty palms and moments of breaking out in inspirational song. Photo by Emily Weaver

A campus-wide epidemic is affecting 85 percent of the student body at MVNU as the majority of traditional undergraduate students are getting engaged. Most attribute the outbreak to spring fever while others are simply following the “Ring by Spring” creed.

Only one-fourth of the student body got engaged during Christmas break, while the others happened through Valentine’s Day. Now that spring break is over, the pressure is on, especially for senior women.

“I have tried to avoid the other girls in my apartment that have rings, but once they get it, I just have to ask about their colors for the wedding and how many bridesmaids they are going to have,” said sophomore family and consumer science major Katie Williston.

Williston went on to say that she has been courting the same gentleman for six years and expects her ring over the summer.

“We’re pre-engaged now, but he’s going to give me the ring sometime before junior year starts,” Williston said.

Senior religion major Ken Pearmint said that he was surprised when after a moving chapel service on commitment his girlfriend stole the microphone from the Rev. Scott Peterson and asked Pearmint to marry her.

“I was always one for tradition, but I think it’s hot when the girl asks the guy,” Pearmint said. Despite the “boos” and  “awws” going on in chapel after his then-girlfriend proposed, Pearmint said yes.

Fifth-year seniors are also experiencing the engagement epidemic. Fifth-year senior art major Jim Shrute proposed to his girlfriend after only two weeks of dating.

“I was so excited when it happened. I don’t have to stay for all four years now since I got what I came here for,” freshman sociology major Candy Karnes said of Shrute.

To accommodate all affected students, the chapel will be open 24 hours a day up to graduation for marriage ceremonies. There will be a fee as well as a dress code for those who choose to partake. Each ceremony will marry 10 couples at a time. There will be no reception provided.

Even the local businesses in the community are gearing up for the epidemic that is affecting MVNU’s campus. Dean’s Jewelry is offering a 15 percent discount on all diamond solitaire rings from April 5-29 in hopes that MVNU students will choose them for picking the right rock. J.C. Penney is also offering a 10 percent discount on its fine diamond jewelry, exclusively for Naz students.

To participate in the discounts, students must present their I.D. cards and have sufficient chapel credit.

Symptoms of the engagement epidemic include sudden onset fever, sweaty palms and moments of breaking out in inspirational song. If you start to notice your left hand weighing you down, make sure you don’t have a sparkly piece of jewelry on your ring finger. If you do, consult Kendra Lambert for counseling.

Ways to prevent the engagement epidemic include, but are not limited to, not socializing with residents in Oakwood Hall, Redwood Hall and Birch Apartments; sitting by your roommate in chapel; not taking a shower; skipping class; eating alone; and avoiding any married couples on campus.